I really enjoy fall. The colours make everything look like an oil painting, the air is so crisp, and the cool wind whips the smell of fall into your jackets and hair. These are things I like about fall. The thing I loathe about fall: the inundation of squirrels.
I suppose it is because winter is coming and they have to shove their stupid giant cheeks full of acorns and garbage before they sleep the winter away. Nevertheless, they ruin fall for me.
Now, you may be thinking “But, Ariel, come on. Be reasonable. Squirrels are cute and fuzzy and frolic about without a care in the world! How can you hate such an animal?”
Here is how:
I have on three separate occasions been yelled at by a squirrel, jumped at by a squirrel and stalked by a squirrel.
The first instance, I was walking to school, minding my own business, when I hear this horrible noise from above. I look up and am greeted by a horribly large black squirrel perched on a branch directly above me shouting at me. Some of you may not know that squirrels can, in fact, yell. Trust. It yelled at me, and it continued to yell at me until I was out of its sight.
Secondly, on a completely different day I was walking along a completely different street, when out of the large, waist-height garbage can I am walking past leaps a huge squirrel in my direction. Now, I am a jumpy person on a good day, so of course I jump, scream, and run away from a garbage can-dwelling squirrel like a coward. Nobody makes me look like a fool, especially not a rat with a bushy tail.
The last instance is the one that is perhaps the most haunting. I was young, maybe 7 or 8 and playing at recess like a normal kid at school. We were playing hide-and-seek and I was hiding behind a big tree. I look up and see this squirrel looking back at me. Now, I was not always this jaded, as a child, you are conditioned to think that all furry animals could become your best friends much like Chip and Dale.
Well, I smiled at this lonely-looking squirrel, trying to befriend him. He must have misinterpreted the smile of a child and darted out of the tree in my direction. He then proceeded to chase me around the tree. I lost the game of hide-and-seek. I have never forgiven that squirrel.
Now, you might think that it is not fair for me to judge an entire species on the actions of a few, but I have one thing to ask, have you ever had a good squirrel experience?
Don’t let the cutesy-acorn munching and big bushy tails fool you people. They are ruthless, blood-thirsty, garbage eating creatures. Much like their less-bushy tailed cousins: RATS.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but squirrels have been pulling the wool over your eyes for too long.